Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

I will play my first 4.0 USTA (click on that link if you want to go to one of the most convoluted websites ever…unless they’ve finally come to their senses and gotten a webmaster who knows how to unclutter that mess of an eyesore) match today.  I’m nervous.  Last year, I played 3.5 USTA.  Hold up.  Is that not one of the most obvious sentences I could have possibly written?  Of course, I played 3.5 USTA last year.  I just said today would be my first 4.0 match.  I’m underestimating you, dear reader.  That, or, I’m writing badly.  Either way, I’ll stop doing either one.  I’ll do better, I promise!

This is a 4.

That second to last sentence has too many “eithers” in it.  And I’m not sure that I used the second “either” correctly.

My 3.5 team went to Qualifiers and City’s last year, and I won all of my matches, which was one dubs match and the rest #1 singles so I got bumped up at the end-of-season ratings.  I have a theory that all the captains stacked their lines except for mine so I didn’t play the teams’ best singles players and this bump-up is uncalled for.  I should appeal.  Perhaps I’ll do that right now…

…I may have just made a brag in that last paragraph.  Read it again.  See if you caught it!

This is a dot.

If my theory holds water (…this is an actual phrase, people.  I did not just write something random there), then I’ll be ill-prepared for today’s match.  I will lose – perhaps badly – and my confidence will be shot.  I will be depressed.  I will not be able to eat…no, wait, I will eat to ease my depression!  Yes, that’s it.  I will eat too much.  I will gain weight.  I will be even more depressed.  I will start losing all the time.  I will be depressed.  I will eat more.  I will be depressed.  And on and on it goes.  This is a dangerous path I’ll be embarking on.  And all because USTA thought I should be moved up to 4.0 even though I wasn’t ready, yet.  I need to sue them!  Perhaps I’ll do that right now…

This is a 0.

No, wait.  I gotta lose first.  And then eat.  And then gain weight.  And then I’ll sue!

Hmm, suing costs money.  But you gotta spend money to make money…

Maybe I should call email text my captain I can’t play today…Perhaps I’ll do that right now…